You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
