I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
