My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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