I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
