Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
