did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
