Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
