You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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