But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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