If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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