i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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