I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
