So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
