all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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