my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
