dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
