Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
