You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
