were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
