Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
