im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
