My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
