and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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