neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
