Quick, to the slutcave!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
