So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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