I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
