so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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