i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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