What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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