I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
