so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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