life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
