I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
