I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
