yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
