I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
time to smoke my breakfast
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
