There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
