i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it was like eating out sand paper
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
