I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
