First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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