It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
