I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
