as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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