do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
