Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
