My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
