I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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