so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
