OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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