I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
