Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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