NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize