It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
