i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
