Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
