I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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