dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
