No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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