I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize