So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
