Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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