I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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