I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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